Friday, November 9, 2012

From grateful to hateful.. I have flaws

So from my gratitude inspired posts all week and how I'm so grateful throughout this whole hurricane/hurricane aftermath situation all it took was one moment to turn me from grateful to hateful.
Since the whole storm and seeing people who have it so much worse then me i have truly felt as if i had no right to my situation(as bad as it is), resulting in me just talking positive and not expressing how i REALLY felt.  To be honest, I've been freezing, depressed, upset that i don't have a home i can just come and go back to as i please and i just want things to go back to the semi-normal state that they used to be in.

Lets get a little brutally honest here, i am most definitely not your average yogi (and by yogi I'm not referring to that cute little cartoon bear way before my time).  I have a history of drug abuse, i smoke cigarettes, i am not a vegetarian or vegetarian (even if the only meat i do eat is grilled chicken), i don't shop organic, i am probably not the most Eco-friendly person you'll ever meet and i cant sit still for 10 minutes unless I'm sitting.  All of this basically concluding, you wouldn't look at me and think i was your typical yogi.

That's one of the unique things about me.  Through all my hardships that I've been through on my path, it has eventually lead me to yoga.  Yoga is my passion and  everyday helps me better myself then the day before and to me it is about progress not perfection.  It takes time and patience to for everything and that's something I've really incorporated into my yoga practice.  It took me almost a year to get into a headstand and after that year of practice, persistence and patience it felt that much better when I finally got into it.

Anyway, back to the original topic, I'm human and i have flaws. Period.  I can't just pretend everything is all well and good all the time when sometimes i feel as if my world is falling apart.  The past 2 weeks i have spent all my time feeling bad for other people but not letting myself feel entitled to my own feelings.  So eventually just like if you stuff anything down long enough, you will eventually explode.  And to be honest it probably would've been better if I let my feelings out little by little so I didn't have to feel like I was exploding like a volcano, but as I said before.. I'm human and I have flaws.

So today after another cold, miserable week of no gas, power or heat I had finally reached my breaking point.  I was at work and feeling positive, getting my stuff together and setting up to get work down when all of the sudden i reach over and spill my entire black iced tea unsweetened(quirky i know.. and PS, I don't drink coffee either) and the tea goes all over the keyboard of my macbook pro which has been one of the sources of sanity the past couple of weeks.  All in the matter of moments i went from grateful... to hateful.  Long story short,the keyboard stopped working and the laptop wouldn't turn on.  So to add insult to injury, now I'm going to have to pay the $750 dollars to get my laptop repaired on top of the tens of thousands of dollars my family needs to replace our car, our belongings downstairs and everything els that was destroyed in the hurricane.

So to be honest, it wasn't really about the laptop, it was the icing on the cake and all of the built up emotions I had about anxiety, anger and hurt were finally released once i saw that tea spill... all in that split second.  It was a moment of clarity as well that my family does have a long financial road to recovery and sometimes I'm so far off in my selfish agenda that I don't even think about the bigger picture.  When that tea spilt all i could think was, wow... 750 more dollars to add to this big issue that my family is going through.

Here is the good news (sorry to break the news but this does end on a happy ending).  Yoga uses the practice of non-attachment and detachment which are two totally separate things.  In the sutras of yoga, non-attachment includes letting go of attachment to not only material things but fears, anxiety and any thoughts that can distract us from our truest form of self therefore paving the way to our most supreme form of being with the end result being liberation.  Detachment on the other hand is being able to stop amidst the chaos, take a look at the clarity and perspective of things and step away.  As if you're saying it's going to be okay out loud but still having doubt that it might not be in your heart.
I had the opportunity to practice some detachment in this situation.  Awhile back I would've gotten caught up in the chaos and let it absorb me but instead I was able to step back, think about changing my perspective and not let the situation overwhelm me completely.  Even though I'd love to say that I can practice non-attachment and tell you that it didn't bother me at all and I'm on this straight path to liberation, I'd be lying.  I am on a path and I might not be as far along it as I'd like to be but here's the good news... I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

In the end of the day, it's a computer or a car and it's nothing that can't be replaced.  So what?  I got angry and blew up... i will repeat; i am human and i have flaws.  The fact that I am able to see the clarity of the situation is absolutely priceless.  We all make mistakes so we can learn from them and try and do things different next time, after all we only learn from experience... and luckily for me, I seem to have a lot of it.

So maybe you want to ask yourself if you have been holding in feelings that you feel as if you are not entitled to express.  If you do remember there are healthy ways to do so over time instead of waiting until your pressure cooker explodes or you accidentally "spill the tea".
Let us practice some detachment and tune into ourselves and get to source of why something may bother us as much as it does.  Who knows?  We might learn a lot more about ourselves then we might expect.

Until next time, Om Shanti Shanti Shanti.. go in peace.  Namaste :) .

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